Choice can be condemning, but also the most freeing revelation in a life-time...
Here's my example... I have spent a large part of my university life struggling with feelings of hopelessness, guilt and a lack of purpose. In February 2010 I committed myself to God in a prayer, but sadly remained stagnant in my faith as I continued to idolise so many worldly things. Everyone suffers from different temptations, finds challenges in different situations and makes bad choices.
For me I think I can pull all my idols together under the title of "people-pleasing". To lots of people this doesn't seem so bad, but the truth is, when you let it be your personal compass it doesn't become so much about serving people in love and kindness as it does become a constant battle of failure and putting your identity in cultural values and other peoples' opinions.
I have struggled with body image and recently I have had someone try to diagnose me with body dysmorphic disorder (BDD)... but I think this is a highly counter-productive strategy.
Under the label of having an eating disorder and depression, I felt trapped. I honestly believed that there was no hope. I felt that if it was a medical condition then it would be decades before I would not be able to feel myself again... and it nearly destroyed me. Thankfully, God is a God of grace and mercy. He showed me mercy in that He did punish me when I should have been punished. He poured out grace, i.e. he has He has blessed me with gifts which I can never deserve. Grace and gifts can seem like alien language, but by gifts I'm meaning God has surrounding me with true friends, parents whom have shown me enormous support and forgiveness when I really did not deserve it...
The turning point in my stagnant faith was brought to the fore this September. I made some really bad choices, and excused myself on the grounds that "I had no control over them". BUT, it didn't occur to me that I DID have the choice to say no when tempted, I DID have the choice to ask others for help when I was struggling, I DID have the choice, but I chose not to acknowledge that!
I had a week to reflect on what had been happening in my life and was enormously fortunate (better word here might be "blessed") to have the hospitality of a loving and faithful family from my church. I honestly could not have been shown more grace by God than He did show me, and continues to.
I spent 5-6 days in their home, barely admitting what I was struggling with until it came to a point where I went to my room and cried out to God... I prayed to Him and asked Him to change me and at that time I had a revelation. No angels or voices. No wind blowing through the room. No tongues of foreign languages. I had a revelation that I had been struggling with sin, and that ignoring it was to ignore God. I was choosing to disobey Him, and behind closed doors I was not living for God's glory at all.
Today I went to my small group where we had a seminar on evangelism & the leader there explained that to be a witness, absolute integrity is required, a "wholeness"... he illustrated this by saying that we could equate ourselves to the backstage and on-stage view. To the public eye, we may be very kind, patient and joyful people... but if that does not match up with our "back-stage" lives, we are not being transparent, and lack integrity... this image ties in with how I have been living!
Up until my birthday, 2012, I fully believed I was trapped in a cycle of depression, overwhelmed and unprepared for day-to-day challenges. My solution: to take things into my own hands and ignore the problem by indulging in harmful behaviours - a distraction technique which is essentially just an avoidance behaviour! Rather than face my real issues, I felt I had no choice but to react in this way because I was "depressed" or had an "eating disorder". So, it felt hopeless. I felt I was acting in this way because I couldn't help it... and I didn't recognise the points at which I was actively sinning against God because I'm a sinner, not because of a medical diagnosis. (Just to make one thing clear: I believe that depression and eating disorders are very difficult topics and I don't doubt that both can & do make someone people incredibly ill or lead to their deaths.)
The revelation for me, in my journey: you do have choice! There is always a choice to resist temptation. It might be the most difficult thing at the time, but how freeing is it to know you can break free from a vicious cycle! God is a good and most faithful God and He can give us the strength when we are weak... I had never felt so enlightened and joyful as I did the day I told my friend that I knew my biggest problem was sin.
It sounds strange and to me six months ago, I would have groaned and wondered how someone could come out with such a statement. In fact, I imagine, if I had read my own blog I would have been angry. Angry to accept I was abstaining from responsibility in my life. Angry to "belittle" my suffering. Angry to realise how much time I must have wasted in the past few years of my life...
But currently, I am reminded that God has a plan for each one of us. Perhaps I am more prone to low moods than some, equally there will people out there who have had desperately tragic lives which I can't begin to understand...and whom may continue to struggle with issues of depression. But the truth is that God shows us ALL mercy and grace. It might not always be obvious, it might take years. It might take a really low spell in your life to realise how much you need Him... you might have ups-and-downs (I do!), but our circumstances don't actually change who He is and what He has done for us...
In John 10 vs 9-11 Jesus says,"I am the gate; whoever enters through me will be saved.[a] They will come in and go out, and find pasture. 10 (The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy); I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.
11 “I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep
And that's the truth, He has come so we can have life to the full! I think the biggest growth in my personal faith has been admitting I sin and that sin is my biggest problem.
I still struggle with body image, but if I focus on God - it brings perspective to my negative thoughts... does God really care what I look like? (assuming I'm healthy, as our bodies are not our own): 1 Corinthians 6:20, "You were bought at a price. Therefore honour God with your bodies".
Does God want me to spend hours (as I used to) staring at myself in the mirror? Am I honouring God when I restrict or purge, or self-harm? Actually, no. All these things I did I felt compelled to... I didn't like the way I looked (still a bit of an issue at the moment) and used it an outlet to exercise control in a life that to me seemed out of control. At first I actually enjoyed the process, and I put my security in losing weight... and later a self-punishing addiction, prioritising that over God. I became so obsessed with these ungodly things I started to doubt there was a way out. I appeared to be hard on myself by worldly measures, but actually I let myself get away with a multitude of sins in my "backstage" life...
So, I hope this has been an interesting insight into me. I tell people I'm honest, but did you know these things about me before? Perhaps not. Well, here's me being transparent.
I struggle, I get down and indulge in self-destructive behaviours, I suffer jealousy at those more intelligent than me, I covet what I don't have, I get very angry, I am very impatient and a lot of the time I'm not what you'd call a "good person"... But there's hope!
Peace and Hope
5 Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we[a] have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2 through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand.And we[b] boast in the hope of the glory of God. 3 Not only so, but we[c] also glory in our sufferings,because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.
6 You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. 7 Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous person, though for a good person someone might possibly dare to die. 8 But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
9 Since we have now been justified by his blood, how much more shall we be saved from God’s wrath through him! 10 For if, while we were God’s enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of his Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through his life! 11 Not only is this so, but we also boast in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.
(Romans 5 - 10)
God is my hope, God set me free from the slavery of sin. God set me free when I was entangled in my self-induced big web of lies and deceit. God released me from the darkest days of my life (so far) and not only did He release me, He has been loving enough to surround me with a loving and supportive family, a wonderful community in my church and He has shown mercy by forgiving me as I continue to mess up (which I do, constantly!)
So, that's my revelation. Medication didn't free me, it helped boost my mood and CBT didn't free me, it did help to equip me with practical ways to break harmful thought-patterns. And I couldn't free myself. My friends were a huge support, they know who they are and I hope they know how much I love them!
But God was and is the ultimate Saviour, He rescued me...
Hope for the future...
I would love to continue to get to know God and to love Him, and already I am beginning to see what He has done for me in my life, but also in the lives of those around me...
